Re-Experiencing My Own Birth

When I first heard the Holotropic Breathwork facilitator speak about perinatal experiences we may have in our session, I couldn't really comprehend it. What did he mean? He spoke about re-experiencing our own birth, being back in utero, being born, having blissful or not so blissful things come up etc. I read a little bit of Stan Grof's Basic Perinatal Matrices as well, but it was less clear to me than travelling to outer space at the time.

Becoming Pure Consciousness and Feeling of Oneness

Then, during my second full day Holotropic Breathwork workshop, somewhere in the 2nd third of the session, I felt a profound solidarity and compassion for all humanity, an obvious oneness with all beings, dissolution of time and space. All boundaries faded away and I experienced pure BEING.  I found myself floating through Cosmos, enveloped by stars and galaxies, and felt completely blissed out, my heart bursting with sheer love. I embodied love. This was undoubtedly my most ineffable experience of ego abandonment and connection to pure consciousness, source, love, spirit. It became a part of me, and I have been drawing from that infinite source of love and energy ever since.

As I was in this pure state, I heard an agonizing scream from a fellow breather. It was raw human suffering personified. I started to feel collective pain and suffering and realized how much we make ourselves suffer in the physical form. I started sobbing uncontrollably, balling up into a fetal position. I had the feeling of 'free falling down to Earth' still curled up, still sobbing, my eyes and face wet with tears, nose full of mucous and mouth full of saliva. When I noticed all the fluids, I immediately realized it was not tears, mucous and saliva, this was amniotic fluid, and I was floating in my mother's womb.

My Birth and Source of Suffering

After a while, I felt that it was time to be born, but my mother felt scared about the delivery, she was shaken, and I felt all her emotions. Her extreme fear, uncertainty, anxiety, upset and loss of control. I kept thinking: 'I have to be good and not hurt my mom. I have to be really careful.' I kept communicating with my mother while in utero, I was sending 'messages' (obviously I was preverbal and my 'thoughts' had no words or language so I could only use intuition to communicate). My messages to my mother were: 'don't be afraid, you will be ok, the birth will be ok. I will not hurt you, I will be born with gentleness and ease'. I then witnessed and went through my (re)birth, very easy, gentle and without complications (just like my actual birth was). My mother felt relief, and I felt a responsibility to never hurt her, to take care of her.

In that moment, I understood the nature of my relationship with my mom. Growing up, I had a challenging relationship with her. I always felt like no matter what and how much I do, how I take care of her, it's never good enough. I finally understood that it is not my job to make my mom happy and keep her safe. I understood that she has broken pieces within her that only she can fix and I am in no way responsible nor can I be the one to fix her. I suddenly felt a wave of compassion towards her, like I never felt before. I saw things from her perspective, how she felt things, how she didn't know how to heal her suffering. I hugged her close, without the resentment I built up over years, and wished her healing.

I not only suddenly understood my relationship with my mom, but later also my relationships with my romantic partners, all of which failed. I brought the same insecurity, people pleasing urge, putting myself last attitude, and lack of self-worth into all my relationships. I spent countless years contorting myself into who I thought others needed me to be. I agreed with things I knew were against my belief, I did things I didn’t want to do, just to please those I thought I loved and to be loved back.

Integrating the Experience and Transforming my Relationships

I was able to integrate this experience into my life by seeing my mom in this new light and our relationship has transformed. When my mom says something that used to trigger me, I have a new understanding of where it comes from and feel compassion rather than resentment. It has helped me enjoy the company of my parents more than ever before. I was able to heal the deep pain caused by my romantic relationships and felt forgiveness, to myself included. My relationships with friends is better than ever and I see myself as an outstanding parent. I understand, embrace and thoroughly accept my wounds, my scars. They are a part of me and my human experience.

The Experience Within Me Vs. My Mother’s Experience

I carried the event with me for years, always wanting to speak to my parents, or at least my mom, about her version of things and 'compare notes' so to speak. I finally worked up to it recently, 7 years after it happened, and I asked her to describe her pregnancy and delivery to me without talking about what happened in my breathwork session. She said that her pregnancy with me was pretty easy, without complications. When she started labor, it was around 2am and she woke up my dad. He had to go to work at 4am, so he figured he had time to go for a couple of hours and come back for her. It was December 4 in Prague, then Czechoslovakia. Temperatures were below freezing, roads frozen, we lived far outside the city and hospital, and had no telephone. My mom felt abandoned, with my 2-year-old brother and our older grandma. She started worrying about not making it to the hospital on time, but my dad made it back in time and drove to the hospital. On the way, many thoughts ran through my mother’s mind: what if something happens? What if I die? What if my baby dies? What if it’s worse than last time? Memories of horror from her previous birth flooded her mind and she remembered how my brother was born blue and unresponsive and how the doctors left a piece of the placenta insider her, which caused an infection a few days later landing her in the hospital for days, not being able to see her newborn. When they got to the hospital, the fear intensified because of the old, trauma inducing smells, white coats, cold corridors, laboring women screaming in pain…

As my mom spoke, the fear she described was exactly the same fear I felt inside her before I was born. It’s as if I was transported back to the mat, curled up and sobbing. She finished her story describing the actual birth, which was, as in my breathwork session, very smooth, quick and easy, and we both were healthy.

Deep Knowing, Inner Wisdom and Freedom

After talking to my mom, my mind was blown, but also not really. I already knew everything; I never had any doubt that that’s what actually happened. It’s always been contained within me. The main reason behind me speaking to my mom about this was more to obtain ‘proof’ for my ever-doubtful ego. Tapping into that knowing, that wisdom was so profoundly healing to the relationship with my parents that we enjoy each other more than ever before. I left my country as a young teen and part of the reason was to leave the dysfunctional relationship I had with my parents. Now I feel nothing but love and compassion for her and have a full understanding of her behavior. I never thought this was possible.

Carrying this knowledge and experience with me is more valuable than a bottomless fountain of gold. Living with a mental and emotional freedom is my ultimate freedom, and for me, it came from practicing consciousness expanding breathwork. It evolved over time, I built upon it, and my life transformed because of it. It didn’t happen overnight, I am writing this 8 years after the experience. Looking back, it felt like living in a mental and emotional prison that I kept trying to escape from. I ended up beaten, broken, and bruised from banging on the doors and pulling on the chains I unconsciously created for myself. Once I gave up the fight, thinking I would just die, I tried Holotropic Breathwork. Once I connected to the infinite wisdom that lies within each and every one of us, the prison fell apart around me and disappeared forever. In it’s place, newfound freedom. Pure freedom of the heart.